Dear Wendy is a relationship advice blog.
Tweet Joe Newton I've been enjoying consensual nonmonogamy for the past two years, in part thanks to your column and podcast.
I "allow" her to fuck other men and women, and she delights in asking my permission and recounting the details of her other trysts to me.
We are curious how much of this she needs to disclose to her other lovers. They know she isn't monogamous and they are aware of her relationship with me, but so far she has chosen not to tell them the extent to which I "own" her and have jurisdiction over her body and actions.
Of course, it's just an elaborate role-playing game—but is it wrong to be using these people as pawns in our game without their knowledge and consent? If so, when should she tell them? Before she sleeps with them even once?
Or after she's developed a more intimate rapport with them? There's a perverse thrill in her other lovers being totally oblivious to it, but we want to be ethical in our polyamorous ways.
My go-to example of PSP is the foot fetishist who works in a shoe store. So long as he's good at his job and his secret perving is undetectable—no bulges, no heavy breathing, no creepy comments—no harm done. And if he goes home and jacks off about all the sexy, sexy feet he saw and, yes, handled during his shift, he's not hurting anyone or doing anything unethical.
It's important to note, however, that the foot fetishist salesclerk's perceptions aren't the ones that matter. If he thinks he's playing it cool—he thinks his perving is secret—but his customers or coworkers are creeped out by his behavior, demeanor, heavy breathing, etc.
The secret perving you're doing—the girlfriend has to beg for your permission to fuck other people and report back to you afterward—is small and it's a bank shot.
Your role-playing games take place before she fucks someone else when she asks your permission and after she fucks someone else when she recounts her experience.
And what turns you on about your girlfriend sleeping with other people—and how you and your girlfriend talk to each other about it—is no one's business but yours. Now for the caveat: Zooming out for a second: Some people in open relationships don't want to know what their partners get up to, and these couples usually have "don't ask, don't tell" agreements about sex outside the relationship.
But many more people in open relationships do want to hear about their partners' adventures because it turns them on. There are things we have a right to ask the people with whom we have casual sex—like whether they're practicing ethical nonmonogamy, if they have an STI, what kind of birth control they're using, whether they're on PrEP, etc.
My boyfriend of one year has refused to delete photos from his Instagram account that show him with his ex-girlfriend. They were together for three years and briefly engaged, and they broke up two years before we met. They aren't in contact in any way, so I don't have any worries there, but I think making photos of him with someone else available to his friends and family—and now my friends, too, as many are now following him—is incredibly disrespectful.
We've had numerous arguments about this, and his "solution" is for me to "stop thinking about it. If that's true, why not delete them?Actress Carrie Snodgress, whose year career included an Oscar nomination for "Diary of a Mad Housewife", died on April 1, at the age of Here are the steps you must take in order to fully let go and move on: #1 and the hardest step.
Understand and accept that your partner would have given you the moon and the stars if he could have. Well, no, of course you’re not out of line, but here’s what I don’t get: you say that early on in your relationship you had to establish some boundaries regarding your boyfriend’s friendship with his ex in order for you to feel comfortable and yet, your whole letter is about a total lack of boundaries and your total discomfort with their relationship.
I Write Sins Not Tragedies by Panic! at the Disco song meaning, lyric interpretation, video and chart position. Are you confused about the mixed feelings you're getting from your ex? Here are 16 signs your ex wants you back that can help you read your ex's mind.
Boring sex-life? Does your man show signs of being afraid of rejection? It's not about you, or how attractive you are.
It's about something much darker.